First Question on Divorce and
Remarriage:
Dear Dr. Lyles,
You,
have really helped me so much, and God Bless you for your prayers and support.
When I wrote my autobiography I explained that after 23 years of a horrible
marriage my first wife left me for her boyfriend she dated him before
we were married. When I remarried I married a divorced woman. When
you read the Bible it clearly states you should not marry a divorced woman
or you commit adultery. One of strong points before when I was living with
my first wife was I had no fear of death. The reason being even though I had a
miserable life I felt right with the Lord. I faced death in many forms when I
was working construction I had to walk on high beams. At times I would be as
high as 250 feet off of the ground. Almost every job I was on someone was
killed in some sort of accident, or severely injured.
When you fear the loss of your
immortal soul there is no fear as great. In my youth I have had three guns
pointed at me not counting one man who was drawing a gun out of his glove
box to shoot me. I understand once you are a Christian in your heart you have a[n]
insatiable desire to become Holy just as Jesus was Holy so actually to commit
adultery is really out of the question for a Christian. To a Christian it is
the same as dope or any other addicting substance.
My wife and I talked it over
and we have decided to sleep in separate rooms. Since we are both older it is
not a burden for us. We now understand that we are doing what Jesus wants us to
do. We can still take care of each other and keep our commitment of love and
stay Holy. Since we both feel in our Hearts that the
Second Coming of Jesus can come at any time. We want to be ready to fly with
him into the sky. On the other hand we are older and death can happen at any
heartbeat. Either way we are preparing ourselves to meet our Savior Jesus
Christ.
In coming to this revaluation
we both have done some soul searching and praying. Our lives have been
overtaken by our Loving God and we are so thankful. I hope to be able to finish
this lesson and e-mail it to you soon.
Our Love and Prayers,
God Bless
Dear couple,
You are responsible before God
for your actions. I don't know how much you have studied the Bible before
you decided to move into different rooms, but I think you are making an
unbiblical decision and a poor marital decision. Had you made
a decision before marriage, not to marry I might have agreed, but you are
now a married couple, if you have committed adultery you have already committed
the sin and 1 Corinthians 7:1f indicate married people should act like
married people. This passage is describing exactly your situation, you
may for a season separate for spiritual matters, but (the indication is, that
this should not be a long separation) because of "burning" in another
translation, will cause one the other or both of you to stumble.
James 2:10 For
whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles in one point, he has become guilty
of all. If you have told one lie, you have done the equivalent of adultery
or if you have committed adultery, you have lied. If you break one law,
you have broken all of them.
Biblical passages
Matthew 5:31-33 "And it
was said, 'Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of
divorce'; 5:32 but I say to you that
everyone who divorces his wife, except for the cause of unchastity, makes her
commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. 5:33 “Again, you have heard
that the ancients were told, 'You shall not make false vows, but shall fulfill
your vows to the Lord.' “
When you married you decided
"before God and this host of witnesses..." before God you promised
you would act like a married couple. There is an exception in this
passage for porneia in the Greek or fornication in the English and translated
unchastity [NASB95] in this passage. Technically, when a husband or wife
has sex with anyone else (porneia is more inclusive than adultery and includes male,
female or animal and may even include pornography. )
they have broken the marriage vow and the other is free to marry another
according to this passage.
I have a good friend, she was
born the same day as my daughter and I treated her as my daughter. For
two years we ate lunch almost every day. For about two years she was
single. Her husband moved out after having three children with her and
moved in with a 17 year old in their church. (he
was the assistant-pastor) When he came to his sense about 8 months later,
after a million of her tears, he called and asked if he could come home.
She said, "Once" (this was the entire conversation.) He moved
into her little apartment with their three children. [He joined the Army
shortly after 9/11 and she spent another 8 months as a single mom, making it
about two years total.] It took years, the Army
and a secular job, but they put their marriage back together and he is now the
pastor of the same church.
When I asked her "Why did
you allow him to come home" She said, "I was a married woman, I
didn't want my children to grow up with "another" dad, and I knew I
would remarry one day. I have honored my marriage vows, I did what was
right and I'm going to let God take care of him"
I attended a seminar in
Seminary with five Presidents of the five GARB colleges and Seminaries in the
One last illustration: I
met a 23 Year old young lady with two children that were pre-teens. I
never did figure out how young she was when she became a mother. He was a
crack head. She made it clear she married as a virgin and held marriage
in high estate, but married against her parent’s wishes, very young. He
committed porneia and she left him in about a half-heart beat. She stayed
when he beat her, did drugs around her and the children and abused her, but
when he broke the Biblical command she was GONE. She was single, figured
she would be single the rest of her life. She was one of the godliest
women I knew and my secretary at school for years. Her daughters were in
my class and grew and are now about out of the house. She met a man when
she was well into her thirties on one of her daughters’ high school senior trips.
For several years they fought over whether it was right or wrong to
marry. They read many books, talked to many people for over a year and
were married last summer while I was in
Matthew 19:3 – 10 “And some
Pharisees came to Him, testing Him, and saying, "Is it lawful for a man to
divorce his wife for any cause at all?"
19:4 And He answered and said, "Have you not read, that He who
created them from the beginning made them male and female, 19:5 and said,' For this cause a man shall
leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall
become one flesh'? 19:6
"Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God
has joined together, let no man separate." 19:7 They said to
Him, "Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and
send her away?" 19:8 He said to
them, "Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce
your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. 19:9 "And I say to you, whoever divorces
his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman
commits adultery." 19:10 The disciples said to Him, "If the relationship of the
man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.’"
A mystery, two become
one. Before marriage I was Don and Karen was Karen. Once we
married, and certainly now, we are and will always be Don and Karen. My
aunt was married to Doug for 25 years almost to the day. She is now
married to John. I still have to triple check my mouth when talking to
her that I don't call him Doug. Two become one, probably in more ways
than this, but certainly in this area. You are and will always be ** and
**.
1CO 7:1 Now concerning the
things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch [the context
and especially vs. 2 -3, shows this is talking about intercourse] a woman.
1CO 7:2 But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, [you have your
own wife to avoid immoralities] and let each woman have her own
husband. [for the same reason.]
1CO 7:3 Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, [this is a
biblical command, and there is no clause for twice married people, if you are
married it is your job to have intercourse.] and likewise also the wife to
her husband.
1CO 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own
body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have
authority over his own body, but the wife does.
1CO 7:5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may
devote yourselves to prayer, [have an agreement for a season] and come
together [this is a command, not a suggestion] again lest
Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But this I say
by way of concession, not of command.
1CO 7:7 Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself
am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and
another in that. [As a twice married man, you obviously don't have the gift
of celibacy, then according to Scripture; don't live like you have this gift.]
1CO 7:8 ¶ But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if
they remain even as I.
1CO 7:9 But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better
to marry than to burn.
1CO 7:10 But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the
wife should not leave her husband You are now married, stay that
way. Is it more godly to divorce a second time,
to do God's will? I think not. It is not natural to act like single
people while married.
HEB 13:4 Let
marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for
fornicators and adulterers God will judge. You are married, "let the
marriage bed be held in honor."
GEN 2:23 And
the man said, "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She
shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of
GEN 2:24 For this cause a man shall leave his father
and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
GEN 2:25 And the man and his wife were both naked and
were not ashamed.
It is your marriage and each
marriage is unique, but you are setting yourselves up for years of unnecessary
heartache. God made Adam and Eve to enjoy each other for a
lifetime. Many men in the old testament had two
or more wives at the same time, God doesn't even indicate this is adultery.
In fact, you will be hard pressed to find a command to abstain from bigamy, although 1 Corinthians 7 indicates celibacy is preferred
to even marriage the NT does not support bigamy at all. You are breaking
the clear command of 1 Corinthians and don't be surprised if you continue like
this for a long season one of you stumbles.
All the
scriptures on divorce in the Bible.
DEU 22:19 and they shall fine
him a hundred shekels of silver and give it to the girl's father, because he
publicly defamed a virgin of
DEU 22:29 then the man who lay with her shall give to the girl's father fifty
shekels of silver, and she shall become his wife because he has violated her;
he cannot divorce her all his days.
DEU 24:1 "When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she
finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he
writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out
from his house,
DEU 24:3 and if the latter husband turns against her and writes her a
certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house,
or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife,
ISA 50:1 Thus says the Lord, "Where is the
certificate of divorce, By which I have sent your mother away? Or to whom of My creditors did I sell you? Behold, you were sold for your
iniquities, And for your transgressions your mother
was sent away.
JER 3:8 "And I saw that for all the adulteries of faithless Israel, I had
sent her away and given her a writ of divorce, yet her treacherous sister Judah
did not fear; but she went and was a harlot also.
MAL
2:16 "For I hate divorce, "says the Lord, the God of Israel,
"and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the Lord of hosts.”So
take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously."
MAT
5:31 "And it was said, 'Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a
certificate of divorce';
MAT 19:3 And
some Pharisees came to Him, testing Him, and saying, "Is it lawful for a
man to divorce his wife for any cause at all?"
MAT 19:7 They said to Him, "Why then did Moses
command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
MAT 19:8 He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart, Moses
permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been
this way.
MAR 10:2 And
some Pharisees came up to Him, testing Him, and began to question Him whether
it was lawful for a man to divorce a wife.
MAR 10:4 And they said, "Moses permitted a man to
write a certificate of divorce and send her away."
Facts:
David had at least 19
wives. He was a friend of God.
Solomon had 1000 women in his
harem: wives, concubines and other women, God never said a word (although
the pagan women brought Solomon to pagan worship instead of the true God) that
having a 1000 women was wrong.
Be very careful, very careful
indeed, in the path you have chosen. It is not Biblical; it is not God's
pattern. Don't be surprised if one or the other can't live with this
arrangement in months or years, as it is not physiologically or psychologically
healthy.
Selah,
don
Second letter on Divorce and Remarriage:
Question on a separate issue: A
friend, who has been divorced for around ten years, wonders if it is correct to
remarry. His wife was caught in adultery and ended up marring the other
guy. The church tried to correct the problem. However, “it feels so
good it must be right”. My friend is quite concerned about maintaining a
righteous life. My take has been that since adultery is the root, and
there is no hope of reconciliation, he is free to remarry.
Care to enter the fray?
db
Years ago I read a book by Guy
Duty on Divorce and Remarriage which is still one of the classics on
this topic. Further, I know several couples that have, like your friend,
studied this out for months and years and eventually married and have
a good life together. Further in seminary we had a "President's
Day" where all the General Association of Regular Baptists GARBC
Presidents of Colleges would meet at our campus for a day of prayer and
preaching.
We put this question on
Divorce and Remarriage to the five leaders of our five institutions; some of
the most educated and godly men I knew at the time and there were five
opinions, from if you marry and your wife dies on the way to the wedding suite,
you can't remarry for the rest of your life, to just have one at a time.
They USED THE SAME VERSES, Mostly Matthew 5 and 19!
I live about a block from a
couple I know well. I knew her well before she divorced, knew them
single, married them and glad I did 10 years ago. In both cases adultery
was the issue (not between themselves) in brokenness
they began talking years later married in a beautiful back yard. We
playfully yelled at each other as we met at the stop sign this morning, me
walking and him in his shiny red truck. Good people, good marriage;
they are both much happier the second time around.
Divorce is the sin according to
Malachi. Hey, Exodus has rules on how to treat your plural wives.
(Don't think I will bring this up in polite conversation) but I believe you can
find these verses in EXO 21:10 "If he takes to himself another
woman, he may not reduce her food, her clothing, or her conjugal
rights. 21:11 "And if he will not do these three things for
her, then she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money. (The assumption
is that she is free to marry again.)
God expects adult men and women
to have a sexual partner. Married people are commanded to
"fulfill their duty." (1 Corinthians 7:3) Sometimes
we forget God made sex. He made Adam and Eve and marriage and
said it was "very good." He told married couples to
go out and replenish the earth.
David had at least 19 women
including these ten concubines. 2 Samuel 20:3 Then David came to his
house at Jerusalem, and the king took the ten women, the concubines whom he had
left to keep the house, and placed them under guard and provided them with
sustenance, but did not go in to them. So they were shut up until the day of
their death, living as widows.
1 Kings 1:4 And
the girl was very beautiful; and she became the king's nurse and served him,
but the king did not cohabit with her. [It was understood David would
have intercourse with the women close to him, and mentions both
his concubines and Abishag the Shunammite as abnormalities.]
Regarding Solomon, 1 Kings 11:3
And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three
hundred concubines, and his wives turned his heart away.
My understanding of Jesus'
words is that Eve was created for Adam and God expects one man for one
woman: this is the ideal norm. But God is also aware of the hardness
of men's hearts and has rules for more than one wife, for divorce, for
rape and other sexual differences to the one man-one woman rule.
I believe it is better to marry
than burn. (1 Corinthians 7:2, 7:9, 2 Corinthians 11:29) I may be
wrong, but I've decided it is better to be wrong on the comfortable side, than
be wrong banging holes in walls and hear God say in heaven, "I told
you how may times not to burn, how many times did I need to tell you?"
Selah.